“There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.” General Douglas MacArthur

i knew i'd find it. i've been trying to think of the exact words of that quote for awhile. there are many ways to say what you said above, but the main point is that with change comes opportunity. i like how general macarthur put that into words, because he included the reality that we sometimes feel the illusion of security when we do things the same way we have always done them. however, there is no security in that. life gives us situations, and it is what we do in those situations that determines our destinies.

another reality is that it is usually action alone that defines us in our own self-perceptions and our 'selves' in the the perceptions of others.

i've sought love and trust and respect from people, based on 'who i am' (as you put it) - based on my own perception of who i am, as a person. other peoples' opinions that have been voiced to me (directly or indirectly) about myself have colored my own self-perceptions also, and have become part of my self-perception. what i've found, in reality, is that people give love and trust and respect based on one's actions - not some illusion of who you are as a person.

life deals your cards, to put it in another way, and it doesn't matter what you've done in the past, how good or bad of a card player you are, or what kind of a history you've had as a person, the only thing that really matters is what you do with that hand - right here. right now.

you'll remember what you made of a situation. other people that were touched by the experience also will remember what you made of that situation. most people won't take the time to analyze your history - where you came from, your childhood, your younger years, your middle years. what they'll remember is that one moment where you shined (or bombed?) and they saw it happen.

you've probably heard the phrase, 'never rest on your laurels'. it means don't hold so much pride in your past achievements that you forget that you are still alive - that life hasn't stopped putting you in challenging situations and opportunities to shine and grow and develop.

life seems crazy and chaotic most of the time, but when you reach the final years of your life i think it will all make sense. you'll look back and say, now i see how i came to be where i am today. this led to that. that led to this. this allowed this to happen. that prevented this from happening. that led to this. the road is much clearer then.

i'm not that old. 36. i just know enough from my own experiences that this is what we can expect when we look back at 40, 50, 60, 70, or more years of life - if we have the ability to recall that far and are cogent enough to synthesize all that information.

i've been in a similar situation as you are in - looking forward to change - to a new job in a new place - possibly a new lifestyle. i know how it can be exciting, scary, hopeful, and sad, all at the same time.

i wish you well.

...and (*clink*)... here's to new beginnings and the possibilities for further adventures.

Moving On To The Land Of Where I Want To Be

It's interesting to me how cyclical life really is, despite how much we perceive it to be a series of linear events.

We think of life as a line among lines...
Born---->This is what I did when I was 2---->I moved here when I was 5---->I found this when I was 6---->I lost this when I was 8---->I learned about this when I was 10---->I experienced this when I was 11---->I did this when I was 21---->Died

Each person's and thing's history, in this framework, is a series of events that happen at certain points in time, connected by cause and effect at certain pivotal points, all within the framework of the history of reality. Many things occur at the same time, and some of those things are directly related, but we forget that we do not understand what time and space really is.

Some cultures are based on a time, history, and lifestyle in terms of cycles and circles, rather than lines. There really is no beginning. There really is no end. Everything is in constant change and flux.

Tonight, I realized something. The multitudes of lists that I make are not just exercises in worthless distraction. This practice of making lists is how I store and restore ideas. I think that I was born to be a writer.

I've wanted to be so many things: spy, soldier, musician, computer programmer, technician, writer, environmentalist, father, husband, lover, son, brother, adventurer... All of these desires and experiences have helped to create me into who I am. A writer writes. A writer shares experience and knowledge. A writer entertains and informs. I've been practicing to be a writer all of my life, and I've made excuses and excuses to keep myself from the potential for failure and the fear of not having enough money for so long that I feel as if I am experiencing what Neo experienced when he was rescued from the Matrix and brought into Zion.

I've been reading this great book, Writing Down The Bones, by Natalie Goldberg. I've been receiving payment in return for "guitar lessons" from a student who really wants someone to work with as a writing partner. I've been passed over on getting promoted to bartender, or at least it feels that way. I've had little luck in trying to get into the IT field. I've had little luck in trying to save my marriage and many other relationships that appear to have been failing. Now, it's time to take control of the ball.

Although this is a more personal blog post, I am not really revealing the whole of it. The point is that I am undergoing change, as usual, but I am more conscious of that change now.