Moving On To The Land Of Where I Want To Be

It's interesting to me how cyclical life really is, despite how much we perceive it to be a series of linear events.

We think of life as a line among lines...
Born---->This is what I did when I was 2---->I moved here when I was 5---->I found this when I was 6---->I lost this when I was 8---->I learned about this when I was 10---->I experienced this when I was 11---->I did this when I was 21---->Died

Each person's and thing's history, in this framework, is a series of events that happen at certain points in time, connected by cause and effect at certain pivotal points, all within the framework of the history of reality. Many things occur at the same time, and some of those things are directly related, but we forget that we do not understand what time and space really is.

Some cultures are based on a time, history, and lifestyle in terms of cycles and circles, rather than lines. There really is no beginning. There really is no end. Everything is in constant change and flux.

Tonight, I realized something. The multitudes of lists that I make are not just exercises in worthless distraction. This practice of making lists is how I store and restore ideas. I think that I was born to be a writer.

I've wanted to be so many things: spy, soldier, musician, computer programmer, technician, writer, environmentalist, father, husband, lover, son, brother, adventurer... All of these desires and experiences have helped to create me into who I am. A writer writes. A writer shares experience and knowledge. A writer entertains and informs. I've been practicing to be a writer all of my life, and I've made excuses and excuses to keep myself from the potential for failure and the fear of not having enough money for so long that I feel as if I am experiencing what Neo experienced when he was rescued from the Matrix and brought into Zion.

I've been reading this great book, Writing Down The Bones, by Natalie Goldberg. I've been receiving payment in return for "guitar lessons" from a student who really wants someone to work with as a writing partner. I've been passed over on getting promoted to bartender, or at least it feels that way. I've had little luck in trying to get into the IT field. I've had little luck in trying to save my marriage and many other relationships that appear to have been failing. Now, it's time to take control of the ball.

Although this is a more personal blog post, I am not really revealing the whole of it. The point is that I am undergoing change, as usual, but I am more conscious of that change now.